Monthly Archives: June 2010

Free to Float

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How can you ever float freely if there are so many cords connecting you to the ground?

I realized that planning this big day of ours is, for me, monumental in more ways than the obvious.  A wedding becomes a convenient stage for so many dreams and dramas to unfold; fairy-tale wishes side by side with self-esteem issues.  For me, though, the event highlights, underscores, even italicizes a part of my personality that I have struggled with every day of my life, usually veering to one extreme (needy appeasement) or the other (standoffishness) in the responsive end.  I have forever been a pleaser, have unceasingly allowed my mood to be tied to others’ appraisals of me.  My perception of their level of Liking Me has been the barometer upon which so many of my decisions and actions have been based.

There’s the healthy part of that: the concern for other people’s comfort and safety and welfare.  Then there’s the toxic side, in which I specialize, a side filled with misinterpretations and the reactions built upon them.  A wedding is the perfect place for such worries to thrive, and as the BF quoted someone’s reaction to a detail the other night, I literally put my hands over my ears.  “I’m sick of it!  I’m sick of the din of everyone’s voices in my head!” I yelled in our bathroom, at once cementing my chances at nabbing this year’s Most Needlessly Melodramatic Oscar and releasing some pent-up frustration.  I felt better, anyway.  And earned a laugh from both of us.

A pool is one of the last places (besides our bathroom) where an adult can feel free to act like a child in a quiet space. Specifically, underwater in a pool.  I’ve had some time off lately and much of it has been spent perfecting my handstands and holding my breath.  And floating, which may be one of my favorite things in the world.  Letting go, just being open-handed, something I do so rarely in life, is so easy to do when water won’t be held.  Neither will air, which is probably why flying is also one of my favorite things in the world.  Underwater and in the air I’m forced to do something I was originally made to do, something I have to be convinced to do otherwise through logic or tears (or some other form of love).  Maybe it’s also that reflection back to life in the womb, and although that comparison is a little creepy, it holds, because aren’t we always in some way trying to revert back to our younger selves?  To be that happy, that carefree, that peaceful, that able to laugh…that blissfully unaware of the public’s assessment of us?

So today I floated some, then was forced back up to the surface (or down to the ground, in the flying scenario) in a couple of ways. One, a phone call and a reminder of how some of us can be childlike in the worst sense of the word: making promises we don’t keep, ripping gifts back out of the recipient’s hand just to prove our ill-conceived point.  The other, a letter and a gift of pictures and words…the BF as a child, letters he wrote then that show his love and kindness and general nature did not develop only recently.  And that they are not sourceless, as I was reminded while reading letters from his family that assess both our love and me…the kind of assessments you hope for and usually only find when you’re not trying to get them, when you realize people have noticed the part of you that you hope came through but that life, and weddings, often suck away.

Kindness.  Assuming the best.  Other childish ways I hope to not put behind me.

I put life away for a minute and headed back for the water and went under, hitting that perfect suspension.  And I realized that some cords tie us up and bring us down if we let them because they want to pull us down to their level.  To hell with them.  Then there are the cords we need to be there, the best ones that don’t hold us back but connect us to what matters, letting us float but not disappear.

Full Retard

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Be careful for what you wish for.  I asked God to help me become more patient, and also better at praying for other people.

In a related story, cue the Jackass Parade.

I was talking to AW last night about this funny way God has of taking care of us, specifically this thing he does where he answers our prayers according to his own interpretation of timing, our needs, etc.  In other words, his perfect way that is based on his knowing everything in response to our requests based on knowing…well, very little, if not comparably nothing, of a given situation.

Whenever I need reminding of how little I know, God is always ready to lovingly show me.  Right now, I’m dealing with multiple patience-challenging activities. Planning a wedding, which has nuances I ever imagined, when all I want to do is wear a dress and say “I do” and have a party.  Getting a dental license, when after all is said and done, I’d really rather just be sitting by the pool reading and writing instead of depending on an administrative staff with the helpfulness of a slug to file my paperwork in time (my time, that is).  Building a life, when there are multiple forces out there, visible and invisible, sane and not so much, who would just as soon destroy that effort for their own ends.

And it’s not just the rough edges of others that I have to contend with…no, the longer I live and the more I try to convince myself I have Got It All Together, the more opportunities I get to laugh at myself (after a colorful language explosion, of course).  Last week I walked out to the grocery store parking lot and pressed my keyless entry button.  Once I got to the car, I pulled at the handle.  No response.  I pushed the button and pulled the door again.  Nothing.  Push, pull, push, pull (sounds a lot like life), both actions growing angrier and more frenetic by the second, until a cloud passed overhead and I could see more clearly (sounds a lot like life) and I realized that the car in front of me was not, in fact, mine.  I nonchalantly turned on my heel and swept the parking lot with my eyes for witnesses.  Then yesterday at the empty gym in our building, I climbed onto a machine and lowered the leg stabilizer a little too much.  To the point that it was stuck with my legs underneath it.  I pushed and nothing happened.  I pulled and nothing happened.  A routine getting older by the day.  I panicked and cussed and sweated and grunted as I imagined myself getting married while attached to a thighmaster. After much struggle and a nice friction burn, I was released from my prison.  This time, I actually laughed at myself and admitted the story later to the BF.  Score one point for self-growth!

One thing that struck me during my conversation with AW, which I said out loud (always convicting), was how repetitive it must be to God when we freak out about everything that deviates from our plan, sure that something is wrong, and just how offensive our panic must be to the one who constantly proves himself capable of our care.  And yet he never cusses or grunts or writes us off.  nd now, daily, as I am faced with my own shortcomings and my perceptions of others’ acts of injustice (in a related story, I’m not so good with empathy), I can only marvel that he puts up with us at all.  Especially me.  (But also, others.  I mean, seriously?  It takes you ten days to file one paper?  And you over there:  MOVE THE EFF ON AND ACCESS YOUR UNCRAZY SIDE.)

At the end of the day, I’m convinced that having someone to share our story with is key, and who better than its author?  One who, I’m finding out, is just as good at writing comedy as anything else, and it would serve me well to let go and learn how to laugh.  Because let’s face it, I am not going to get any less goofy and others are not going to stop refusing to meet my expectations. Although one in particular seems particularly adept at handling me…this guy who listens to my car and gym debacles and supports me fully–then laughs in a way that I have to join in too.

Sunday Morning Breath

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Yesterday morning I called home to wish The Dad a happy Father’s Day. He wasn’t there, The Mom informed me.  I prepared to leave a message with her and quickly finish getting ready for church, but she went on to tell me that he was down at the golf club’s sauna.  I paused in my closet (yes, I can actually stand inside my closet these days, as opposed to the closet I had in New York, which I could only stand in front of).  “The sauna?” I repeated, certain I had misheard.  She went on to explain that The Dad likes to hit the sauna after the gym, or just hit the sauna period, then shower at the club.  Recently he pointed out to her that their water bill had gone down since he started this routine.  I had to laugh, thinking that my family is headed toward starring in a reality show that no one watches.

After that call, the BF and I set out to accomplish another first for us, this time in the form of visiting a new church.  This process is fraught with complications for me.  The first is that we are coming from Redeemer Presbyterian in New York City, home of wonder-pastor Tim Keller, a name known well outside the evangelical community, author of the New York Times bestseller The Reason for God and multiple other books.  Redeemer’s presentation of the Gospel, and Tim’s preaching in particular, converted my faith from a performance-based achievement ladder to a daily walk of reliance that I love.  Tim quotes Sartre and Camus almost as regularly as the Bible.  He always brings it back to the cross.  He’s an intellectual.  Listening to his voice doesn’t give you the feeling of being on a roller coaster: up, down, up, down.  He is even-keeled and logical.

In short, everything most Southern ministers are not.

I’m something of a Southern anomaly.  When I was younger and heard of the magical land of New York City, I was intrigued. Buildings touching the sky, lights canvassing every square mile, Broadway shows…but what appealed to me most was the rumor that in New York, you could be walking down the street and pass within inches of someone and not even have to say hello. To my Southern mind, such behavior was unheard of.  In the Southern etiquette handed down to me by my foremothers, such crassness was not permitted.  But for my painfully introverted personality, this possibility sounded glorious.  A place existed where I could spend an entire day surrounded by people without being expected to acknowledge any of them.  I think that’s when the seed of desire to live in Manhattan began to grow for me.

In addition to my eschewing of etiquette for comfort, another non-Southern thing about me was my constant need to know why things were the way they were, and “because that’s the way it’s always been” was never a sufficient answer.  I never saw the need to place a doily beneath every damn drink served, and “bless her heart” began to sound like an insult the more I heard it. And as far as the “Jesus loves you” routine went, that was fine by me until the life I planned began crumbling before my eyes and Jesus began to look less like a Good Shepherd and more like a Mean Bully.

What to do with the girl who can’t find her place below the Mason-Dixon?  Expatriate her to an island full of similar misfits and watch as she either sinks or swims.

Well, I didn’t sink, and Redeemer provided my best swim lessons.  Which is why I’m having such a hard time returning to the region of my youth and hearing messages about self-improvement cloaked in hymns and dressed up with stained glass.  To me, faith is so much less about me than most people preach it to be.  Also, down here, I’m finding that the Six Flags over Jesus movement is catching on with a fervor.  Which means that the BF and I are going to have many more Sundays like yesterday, when the church service began with a light show and a rock concert.  The music leaders were covered in sweat and tattoos (the ink actually appealed to my Manhattan-honed sense of rebellion).  And, printed on the back of the program, was the following:

Warning for Epileptics: This service contains flashing lights that may cause difficulties for people with photosensitive epilepsy.

Oh, how I ached for Tim and the plain black shirt and khakis he wears each week up at his unadorned podium.

Okay, so hear me here: I don’t want to sound like one of those “Um, YEAH I lived in New York for like five years, whatever, who the eff are you and where is my twenty-dollar glass of wine?  Aren’t this town and its customs so quaint!”  jerks. The fact that Jesus had to haul my ass a thousand miles north and onto a tiny island to get me right in the head (and heart) is the stuff of humility, not a bragging right. But I will always struggle with monitoring my own inner commentary and praying for the grace to make it less about judgment than observation.  I’m also learning to not jump to the conclusion that earnestness is always a cover for something else just because my starting point is most often jaded sarcasm and earnestness, for me, has been more reflective of a people-pleasing nature than a sincere one throughout my years.

All of which is to say, that the next time I walk into a church and hear the bass thumping, I will try to remember that God is big enough for all kinds of music; that he travels between solemn austerity and blatant excess while managing to avoid both; that heaven has room for people who use doilies and those who do not; and that JC is neither solely Southern nor totally Yankee.  Just like me.

The First Day

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I am not big on first days and new things.  The first day of first grade, I cried when The Mom dropped me off at my classroom door.  The next day, when she waited with me for the bus, I cried again.  Then the bus pulled up and she told me to get on it.  I remained planted on the sidewalk despite her persistent urging.  Eventually, she had to pick me up , carry me up the bus steps, and put me on the green vinyl seat herself, where I refused to bend my legs and sit down.  I think she ended up driving me to school on day two.  (Later that day, I would find it hard to sit down for other reasons.)

This week I visited the office where I’ll be practicing.  First days now don’t allow for tears, unless they are the kind produced quietly in a bathroom stall.  But beginnings still provoke anxiety and sleepless nights for me, because that is apparently who I will always be: the girl who struggles with the unknown.  I turned off the radio and turned on the prayer line for the ride in, and as I expressed (to the one who made me, flaws and all) my nervousness and my frustration with my nervousness at the age of THIRTY-TWO, for His sake, I felt the responsive truth descend upon my heart in its familiar conversational tone. Reminders about my fear of incompetence and how that comes from a self-imbued need to prove myself, to perform according to others’ expectations.  Re-realizations that my competence comes from a deeper place than board scores or handiness with a drill. And the inevitable worst-case-scenario-follow-through: that I’m protected beyond what any job can provide.

So I felt better.  Enough to turn on the radio and listen to people talk about the oil that is slowly creeping up to the section of beach where I’ll get married, at which point I had to smile at yet another reminder of how little I ultimately control, and how little that fact matters when I trust the one who does run the show.  I pulled up to the office and wandered (ARGH!) around the parking lot until I found a spot, then walked in.

The day went well.  Although I had to pull back on my own reins a few times, like when my boss conducted the morning meeting, orchestrating the efforts of a room full of women, and I freaked out that I would be doing that one day.  But not today, jeez! I told myself, and I think I heard God laugh.

Later that night The Sis called to get the First Day Update and, to her credit, listened to my glowing report in full.  Then I asked how her day went.  “I hate my job.  I want to quit.”  Hers had not been a first day, but it did involve tears, and she is ready to get on up out of that place.  When I reminded her that my niece will soon be her ticket to ride, she made a jump that sounded like my move at the office meeting: expressing her uneasiness for the day when the nurse hands her the baby and sends the new family home, and she won’t have any idea what to do.  “Just like everyone else who goes home with a baby for the first time,” I said, because no matter how few people are brave enough to admit it, there is not enough literature to read or intelligence to possess that makes you ready for a tiny life in your hands.  “And also, let’s just stick to today for now,” I added–for both of us.

I’m not out of First Days yet.  I’ve got one down, but a few big events approach beyond it.  No matter how much I try to prepare, though, most of what matters in life is learned on the job, in the day-to-day.  And all of those days have to have a first day.  I can think of a particular period of time that looked devastatingly different on Day One than it did on Day Three.  There’s always a square one–every friend starts out as a stranger; every epic begins with a word.  So call me Ishmael, and let’s do this thing.

Get Lost

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“Not all those who wander are lost,” Tolkien wrote.  Doesn’t apply to me.  I am not much of a wanderer.  I like to know where I am at all times, along with where I just was and where I’ll be in the next few minutes.  I rediscovered this trait last week in Europe as the BF led me around London and Paris with his nose for navigation, which I would give a 70/30 success rate, and I simmered more and more violently over not being told exactly what he was thinking.  And planning.  And, often, doing, for crying out loud.  The occasional times we had to double back and head in the other direction led me to grab the map from him, spend approximately fifteen seconds trying to read it, then hand it back to him in a huff.  Maps, like instruction manuals, are written in a language I don’t understand, a language that just makes me anxious, much like movers taking over my apartment.  I just want all the up in the air-ness to be over so I can be at the intended destination, preferably with my feet propped up and a glass of wine in my hand.

My perfect life’s path would consist of a straight line, with signs along the way providing ETAs and bathroom information.  My life’s path has been nothing of the sort.  (Insert God’s loving laugh here.)

Now that we’re back in Atlanta, I am again confronted with an unfamiliar system of roads and locations along them, and this time I’m not leaving in a week; this time, I have to pay attention and remember what I’m doing.  Learn from my double-backs. Today, the BF and I were to meet at noon at the tag office so we could get lovely peach plates for our new cars. Helpless child that I am, I asked him (accusingly, a little–it was early) before he left for work how to get to the office.  He pointed to our kitchen island (!), where he had printed out a map of the route I would take.  I huffed until I picked it up and found, underneath, written instructions that even I, with my Directional Allergies, could understand.  He really is picking up on this Taking Care of Me business.

So a few hours later I headed out to meet him.  I felt lost the whole way, certain I had taken every wrong turn possible (I hadn’t), unfamiliarity-produced anxiety burning a hole in my stomach.  Each drive, be it a five-minute one or an hour one, is an exercise in faith for me (at this point, though, what isn’t?).  I exit the car with a blood pressure substantially higher than that with which I entered it, and my shoulders level with my ears.  It feels like the landscape is an obstacle course laid out with the ultimate goal being my confusion.  The world, as usual, is against me when I’m not in my comfort zone.  I have a feeling that God and I are going to have some interesting conversations in my car.

The drive home was a little more eventful than the drive there.  My new tag resting on the seat behind me, I navigated using the map I had memorized from the BF’s phone until I realized I didn’t know which final turn to take.  Trader Joe’s, you bastard, are you on the right or the left? I had been so proud of heading in the correct direction on two three-digited interstates, and even getting my fifty cents in the basket on the toll plaza, and now this.  I went left.  And soon realized I should have gone right.  So I busted a uey and redirected.  After leaving TJ’s I had one more thing left to do before heading home: my inaugural gas fill-up. Getting gas is like drying my hair: one of those things that I hate to do, but if avoided the results are disastrous.  Why I passed by all of the five hundred gas stations directly on my path, I can’t tell you.  What I can tell you is that there are no gas stations in the immediate one-mile-radius of my apartment.  Nor are there any in the area I drove to next, headed west under the interstate.  I entered what must be the largest neighborhood in the whole damn city, a gas-station vacuum of mythical proportions in a town with millions of drivers.  Maybe I’ll get a look at some potential houses for us, I thought, my frustration not yet reaching blinding levels; then I realized that the other thing besides fuel options that this neighborhood lacked was any residence under 5,000 square feet with a non-castle facade.

Seriously? I asked God, foreshadowing the way most of our cartalks will begin.

I made it home unscathed other than by my default frustration with myself and the world for not running more smoothly, i.e., according to my specifications.  Tomorrow I get to tackle another path, this time to my new job.  8 am rush hour in Atlanta on the first day of work.  What could go wrong?

On Saturday, the Yankee Mom and The Mom were in town and we accompanied The Sis for crib-shopping.  After passing over multiple options, she saw one across the store and made a beeline for it.  “This is it,” she said, and everyone approved.  The salesman came over and confirmed that it was available in her preferred color.  Everything was going right.  Then it came time to sign for the final order, and I had a flashback to five years ago as The Sis said, “Do you think it’s the right one?”  Cut to us, same quartet, in a bridal shop a few miles away.  The Sis had just tried on her dream wedding gown, and its designer just happened to be in the store that day.  She okayed the alterations that The Sis suggested, and The Dad even okayed the bill.  The final transaction was about to occur when The Sis turned to me and asked, “Do you think it’s the right one?”  Knowing that she and I are the type who painstakingly arrive at every decision we make after careful consideration of all options, lists of pros and cons, anxiety and tears, then at the end still feel like we’re leaping off a huge cliff, I told her the truth–and what I know she secretly needed to hear.  “Yes.”  I repeated the affirmative response at the crib store.

I was the type who, growing up, would have fingers holding multiple spots in Choose Your Own Adventure books because I couldn’t stand the thought of choosing wrong.  I read the last page of every book.  I study spoilers for my favorite TV shows. Recently, unfortunately, I discovered the website www.moviespoiler.com.

I don’t like wandering.

Then I think back on all the decisions I’ve made, at varying points of stupidity (at worst) and ignorance (at best) in my life, and how some choices felt well-founded and some haphazard.  But none felt free of uncertainty.  I’ve wandered throughout life whether I felt lost or not, and somehow I’ve always ended up home.  Someone is pretty good at this Taking Care of Me business.

Beautiful Things

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I’ve been to Europe twice in the past two years, and one of the impressions that rests most heavily while I’m there and after I’ve left is how eternal it feels.  Probably because I compare it to growing up in Montgomery, a city whose most ancient piece of history is Old Alabama Town, where we went for school field trips and learned how butter was churned in the olden days.  When I moved to New York, I loved to walk around downtown and study the old townhouses in the West Village, thinking of all the history they contained and the years they had seen.  But none of that holds a candle to the biographies of the Notre Dame or the Colosseum.  There’s something infinitely comforting about being in a place with a story that echoes through the ages; all the books I pored over growing up are proven in front of my eyes, and the story is now a part of mine.

That’s the upside of travel.  But on a rainy French afternoon, when my turquoise canvas flats have nearly disintegrated on my feet and there is no easy or dry or in-English way to get from Point A to Point B, being in a foreign city can feel like hanging around the edges of a birthday party without an invitation.  Persistent jet lag can feel like a nauseating hangover. And the BF’s unconditional acceptance of me can begin to feel like evidence of a serious lack of judgment.  Then, against all odds, the pair of us arrive at the Rodin museum after a forty-five minute bus ride, moods buoyed by the promise of beautiful sculptures and a working bathroom.  And then, the surly French guard throws his weight against the glass door I just exultantly pushed and growls through it, “CLOSED!” And we are back at Square Une.

France is beautiful, with its museums and cathedrals and architecture and wine.  The above picture was taken at the Notre Dame, which we visited on the non-rainy day, along with the Orsay Museum, Champs de Elysses, Arc de Triomphe, and Eiffel Tower. And we made the wise decision to travel between these places on a double-decker bus, a contraption that does little for one’s tourist-tinged embarrassment but much for her feet.  But even in the sun, France was just not as easy as London, a city with friendly citizens, sunny weather throughout our stay (an unnaturally rare phenomenon, I’m told, and possibly a sign of the Apocalypse the way hurricanes and fires are in other cities), and a common language.  Well, almost common.  In the ways it is not common, it is better.  Only a Londoner could make the phrase “F*ck you, are you quite serious?” sound like a charming greeting.  The food there may not be so great, and there may not be as many museums or cathedrals or even a wine country, but everything just sounds so civilized.  I found myself thinking that Madonna may not be so ridiculous after all as I vowed to use words like cheeky and biscuit more often.

This morning I settled onto the couch in a haze of jet lag and prepared for my Come to Jesus talk about how I had not come to him often over the last week.  I found myself searching for beautiful words to make up for my patchy devotion before all my attempts fell to the floor in an exhausted heap and all I could think was, “I got nothin’.” Perfect, I felt the response in my heart, That’s where I come in, and I realized in a devotion renewed by him that all my efforts at Looking Good, Cleaning Up, etc. must resemble my ratty turquoise flats next to Monet’s water lilies.  I realized the blessing of being with a man who looks at me, soggy and petulant, and somehow sees beauty.  And the blessing of being loved by One who hears my ineloquent, non-English-accented prayers and translates them into works of art.  And I remembered, as I often do when I let Him remind me, that the most beautiful things in my life have come after long periods of rain and wreckage more often than perfect temperatures and ease. Eternal stories, after all, take that kind of time.

Home Goes with You

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For the first time since I’ve known him, the BF’s stomach is in a state and mine is not.  Over New Year’s in California, when I spent twenty-four hours in our hotel room desecrating its facilities and forcing down Gatorade that inevitably came back up (or out), I was sure that I had condemned him to a similar fate within the next few days.  But his Tabasco-laden insides never succumbed, and I was left grateful and prayerful that our children inherit his digestive system.

Now we’re in another hotel room, in Paris, and I’m propped against the headboard while he rests his head on my lap and my arms snake around him to type.  We’ve been abroad for almost a week now, after boarding a plane three hours late due to the fact that it was hit by lightning.  One sleeping pill and eight hours later, we landed in London and tubed it to our hotel in the theatre district.  For the next couple of days, the BF walked my ass off all over London: St. James and Hyde Parks, Buckingham and Kensington Palaces, Big Ben and Parliament, Westminster Abbey, the London Eye (aka that big ferris wheel), Covent Garden.  Then we met up with a couple of his buddies and headed to the English countryside, Somerset they call it, for a wedding. A wedding that was quite different from what ours will be: quaint English village, seven-hundred year-old church, reception at a manor overlooking miles of rolling green hills.  All I can promise is a view of the Gulf, with some oil and hurricanes and racism possibly thrown in.

On Sunday we headed back to London and went to see Henry IV at the Globe.  Slightly hungover and very tired, I fell asleep three times during the first half and the BF graciously suggested we skip the second in favor of some dinner and walking along the Thames.  The next day, we hit the Tower of London then took the Eurostar to Paris.  Last night, we hiked up the two-hundred-and-something steps of the Sacre Couer.  On the ceiling there resides a painting of Jesus bathed in soft light and golden accents, and it reminds me not at all of the JC I know.  In fact, for all the chapels and cathedrals we’ve visited (all those listed, as well as St. Paul’s in London), I’ve been less likely to feel His presence there than in the mundane details of life and travel: rest for aching feet, bathrooms (they call them toilets here) appearing at the moment of greatest need; The Lord’s Prayer recited during a wedding ceremony by believers and nonbelievers alike.  And, of course, the consistent patience shown by the BF as he endures all of my travel quirks: choosing the wrong walking shoes, asking Are we almost there? multiple times a day, mood swings correlating to food consumption and sleep deprivation and, as always, just my natural self-centered charm.

And now I get to take care of him for once, having premedicated myself with every-other-day doses of Imodium (another travel quirk, but one learned the hard way).  I’m thankful for the moment of quiet (notwithstanding Parisian construction, motorcycles, and conversation outside our second-floor window) and stillness (my blistered feet and sore calves are thrilled).  I don’t respond well to changes in routine, though at the ripe age of thirty-two I’ve found ways to deal with myself when I’m like this.  Coffee and wine, depending on time of day (and sometimes not depending on time of day) help.  And then there’s the routine that I all too often fall out of when I’m out of my routine, and that’s acknowledging the One who always travels with me…hears every prayer, every whine, and waits patiently for me to show up again, usually when I need something.  But there’s something to be said for routines being upset: light is thrown on their reason for existing in the first place, and the unimportant parts of them–the parts that are there to bolster my own self-sufficiency–are allowed to fall away.  They are replaced by short, heartfelt prayers sent up from a faraway place where, as it turns out, I am no further from Him than I was when I was “home.”

A Sequence of Events…aka, Life

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Friday was my day to get things done.  Tooling around in my CRV, I opened the sunroof and blasted the XM.  I hit Super Target, Total Wine (oh…my…heaven), and Barnes and Noble.  I had been eyeing Rick Steves’ guide to Paris for weeks but refused to buy it at its New York price.  Looking at it on the shelf, checking out its more reasonable Atlanta price, I still wondered if I should get it.  I mean, the pictures were sparse–and in black and white.  And there were a lot of words!  In short, it looked pretty boring.  I felt the call of the chick-lit section then wondered if Stieg Larsson’s latest had come out.  The tour tome still in my hand, I decided to be a big girl and take some responsibility for learning about the city I was about to visit.  I’ve always depended on other people for that, which is why I walked away from Italy learning that Siena is very old and…um…wine.  There was wine.  I took the book to the counter and paid for it, even picking up a Barnes and Noble membership in the process and striking up a lovely conversation with the cashier about Paris.  The last time I struck up a conversation with a bookstore cashier was at Borders on 30th and 2nd in the city, where the dude asked if I was writing a nonfiction book (I was purchasing How to Sell Your Nonfiction Book) and learned that he was, as well.  On Korean cinema.  Niche! I thought.  Doubt I’ll hear anyone around these parts say that, which I am totally fine with.

So I headed home to unload a trunk full of wine and food, and my trusty guide.  A few minutes later, I was sitting on the couch waiting for the BF to get home so we could hit Brio.  Wondering what to do with myself for the next half hour (I had already reached my limit for the day of checking email and Facebook), I grudgingly grabbed Rick Steves and opened the pages like a kid doing her homework.  I breezed through the section on what to bring until I reached the part where he told me that to travel in Europe, my passport would need to be good for another four to six months.  Lame, I thought, what’s the point of the expiration date if it expires months before that? Then, another thought:  Where is my passport? I pictured various spots in my mind, all of which were located in New York apartments.  I ran to the bathroom, checking cabinets.  Damn all this space! I ran to the other bathroom, checking those cabinets.  I checked my underwear drawer, where I used to keep it and actually turns out to be a good place for it.  Except it wasn’t there.  On the verge of tears, I re-checked the bathroom drawer I had just visited and found it.  Sigh of relief.  Then:  Wait…when does it expire? I opened the cover and, in slow motion, followed the type to the expiration date. February 14, 2010. NOOOOOO!!!!!!

The next few minutes were adrenaline-pumped and tear-stained.  I alternately ran Google searches on expedited passports, cried, asked God why, ran more searches, called some leads, found out how much I would be paying for this mistake, and cried again. When the BF got back, I told him what happened.  He smiled non-mockingly at my tears and got the rundown from me: the soonest I could get a new passport would be Wednesday.  We were flying out Tuesday.  He called British Airways and, as I sniffled in the fetal position a few feet away, postponed our flight one day.  I called the nearest passport expediting company and booked an appointment for the next day.  It should go without saying, but I’ll say it anyway: at no point during this debacle did the BF look at me like I was as stupid as I felt, nor did he once use any pronoun other than we.  I messed up, but it was fixable, and I had help.  Good thing one of us is rational.

Of course, he and the Sis both made the point later that it was a blessing I had checked my passport when I did, rather than finding out at the airport that I would not, in fact, be going to Europe this week.  Oh yeah…silver linings and such, I thought.  I tend to forget about those until someone on my team reminds me.  Back when my plans used to get frustrated at every turn (because they were terrible plans), I would wonder why God picked on me so much.  Now, as I prepare to board a flight with the BF and spend a week with him in England and Paris, I can see what He kept me from–and saved me for.

Small Plates and Steps

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It figures.  It figures that the first pangs of missing New York would hit me over food.  The BF and I were graciously gifted with dinner at the local tapas place in our new neighborhood–his brother and sister-in-law (how do I refer to them?  I’m going with BIL and SIL, because you can never have too many initials as identification in one post) gave us a certificate for Eclipse di Luna, knowing our affinity for all plates small and multiple.  We went with the Sis and Bro-in-Law, my side of the family (whew…family-combining is complicated!  Note to self: figure out a handy title for everyone soon, or have them sign waivers so I can use their real names).  We spent the evening over a table full of wine and tiny dishes.  Not bad for a Saturday night.

The night before, the BF and I had walked down the street for dinner at Brio, my favorite Italian chain.  We sat outside under an awning and watched the rain intermittently patter onto the lake in front of us. A lone duck waddled around the patio, refusing to leave because of the kids (since when are they allowed in restaurants?  Since we left New York) who kept throwing bread in his direction.  Ugh…I thought, kids AND ducks…but by the end of the meal, I was digging into the bread basket our waitress brought and lobbing hunks over the railing to the birds floating below.  If you can’t beat ’em…

Saturday afternoon, the BF and I hosted friends and family to our resort-style pool, where we were again greeted with intermittent rain that was no match for our umbrella.  These late-afternoon Southern thunderstorms, with their 40% chances reflected on www.weather.com daily, have been a stranger to me for five years.  I’ve forgotten how quickly they come and go, how the sky can drip even while the sun is shining brightly.  There are a few things I’ve forgotten, in fact.  The mosquitoes that gnaw on every inch of available bare skin, turning my legs into a red-and-white constellation and leaving me with spots to scratch for days….the blasting air conditioners, central of course, that take me from sweat-drenched to icy-cold in seconds…the red-state patriotism evident everywhere from bumper stickers to church services.

All of these things used to be my normal.  Now I find they take some re-getting used to.

For the late-afternoon drenchings, I find that sitting by a pool helps, as does a new car with good windshield wipers.  For the mosquito bites, there is Off spray or the handy tabletop diffuser that the SIL wisely brought to the cookout.  For the heat and A/C combo I have a big purse with room for both a water bottle and a sweater.  For the red-state patriotism I have my own brand of conservatism, which started out blindingly red itself but has since been tempered with the idea of social justice and the discovery that Jesus was not, in fact, a member of the NRA or Republican party.  (Nor was he a Democrat, so suck it.)

But as for the tapas…I have a feeling we are never going to find our Alta or Sala or Stanton Social here in the ATL.  The realization of that hit me with more power than the disappointment of finding undercooked bacon on my small plate.  “That” being bigger than a restaurant…”That” being all that I’ll miss and sometimes even pine for post-relocation.  And what is “that” exactly?, I asked myself as I took a second to reflect in the bathroom.

So much of my New York experience was tied to being a part of something, and the identity that inclusion gave me.  I had no idea when I moved there what a living, breathing organism New York City would turn out to be.  Or what a premium I would place on my life being tied to it.  I took a second in the stall to breathe, pray, think, and, as so often happens when I am alone, have a conversation with myself.

What’s going on here?  I miss New York.  Finally.

How much missing are we talking about?  Well, my breathing’s not so hot, my eyes are soggy, and my heart hurts.

What is it that you miss most?  Friends…people…no, that’s BS.  I miss feeling connected to the most badass city in the country and how good it made me feel about myself.

Do you have validity as a person apart from living in New York (this might have been my psychology major speaking up):  Yes.

Are the most important things about you still going to be true whether you are in an apartment in Manhattan or by a pool in Dunwoody?  Yes.

Are you allowed to miss the city without feeling the need to grieve it hopelessly, knowing that just like your life five years ago was bigger than Alabama, now it’s also bigger than New York?  (…Is that you, God?  Um…YES.)

I gave myself permission to be forever divided, gloriously conflicted, simultaneously homeless and at home.  Then I walked out of the stall and into the bathroom that was bigger than my old apartment.  I took a deep breath, smiled, and headed back to a table full of mediocre tapas and remarkable family.